I don’t want to think about him..
I don’t want to think about him anymore. And most of the time I don’t, but i hate those vulnerable days you have when you just want to forget about being strong and just sink back into that state of weakness where you can’t help but miss him. Sure, a part of you knows its stupid but the other part of you can’t help but to just hope a little that maybe he’ll come back, maybe things will change, maybe he’ll turn out to be who you thought he was. But everyone expects you to have gotten over it by now, so you cannot simply speak your thoughts. You can’t simply go back to the same old conversations and seek comfort out of the same people because they’ve already done so. You fear they’ll get annoyed with your inability to let things go, to forget things even though they thought they’ve already helped you through it. And all you want to hear them say is that he’ll come back and things aren’t the way you think they are. You have no choice but to sit there in silence pretending everything is the same as it was, not wanting to show them what’s really going on in your head. And you just ponder… what if? What if things didn’t happen the way they did? And what if I could have helped it? And then at one point you give up. You give up on trying to analyze the past and try to understand why things happened the way they did. All you want to do is forget now and drown in your memories. Replay the same scenes in your head. Remembering that state of complete contentment and not wanting to let that feeling go. Not wanting to open your eyes and realize that you’re no longer there. Not wanting to admit that it’s the future now, and the past is long gone.
I want to get out of here and go to a place where no one knows who I am. That way I can start everything all over again, I can forget about all the things that people know about me and not have to worry about everything I do and say. I want to go somewhere where no one knows me but still accepts me, doesn’t mind my weirdness and laughs with me without judging ever little thing I do. That’s why I want new people, where no one knows my history, can’t judge me for who I was and for what I once did. They look at me and they don’t assume anything, they don’t know anything, they just see me.
my dad’s camera when he was a teenager.